【話そう】なぜ私は鬱になるのか“家から出られない人と話せない音信不通 “薬物治療について【木下ゆうか】
It’s been a while. This is Kinoshita Yuka. I took a bit of a break this year, but that depression is finally over. I started taking medication for the depression I had last year. I think I have manic depression, not depression, and I’m receiving treatment for it at a clinic. That’s what I was diagnosed with, and… ah, it’s been a while since I last posted, so I’m a bit nervous. Well, I think I have manic depression, which is actually called bipolar disorder. It’s a condition where you alternate between mania and depression, or you alternate between periods of sadness and happiness . But in my case, the mania isn’t that severe. There are two types of bipolar disorder: type 1 and type 2, and type 1 is for people who have trouble with their manic episodes. So, when I’m manic, I feel fun and happy, but, um, I don’t think I’m the type to cause trouble for others. I don’t think I’m that amazing. Well, I do cause trouble to a certain extent. Well, as a human being, no one can live without causing trouble for others . So, yeah, that’s true. So, in my case, when I’m manic, I don’t do anything crazy, but I do try too hard. The scary thing about mania with bipolar disorder is that I don’t realize I’m trying too hard. I live my life feeling like I can do it, I can do it, I can still do it, but that’s just my own perception, so it might not be the same for everyone. I don’t think that’s necessarily true for bipolar disorder, though. Because I’m too excited during my manic episodes, when I’m depressed, it’s like my batteries are dead. So, nothing is fun, and I feel like I have no motivation to do anything. That’s mania, and since I don’t feel like I’m trying my best, I keep going until I get depressed. So, I took depression medication for quite a long time. Then, at some point, I realized I had bipolar disorder . Did I realize it? I had doubts. So, last year, I finally started taking medication for bipolar disorder. And, I thought, Ah, I’m cured now, Ah, I’m okay now. And, that’s how I lived my life . But then, that time when I thought I was completely cured was just mania. It was just a period when my depression wasn’t depression. This time, too, it didn’t last six months, but there were several months when I couldn’t leave the house , couldn’t meet people , couldn’t contact people at all , couldn’t respond to their calls. This time, too, I couldn’t leave the house, so, well, it was a bit difficult in many ways. So, the reason why I exert so much energy during my manic episodes is, I think I’ve said this before, but it’s actually because of my relationships with people. I tend to think about people more than I should. I try to make sure I never cause trouble for others in spaces where I’m surrounded by strangers . I try not to make them feel uncomfortable. I think that’s something that everyone thinks, but it’s really excessive. I think it’s almost too much. So much so that it exhausts me . But because it’s bipolar disorder and mania, I don’t realize it. But when I’m depressed, I’m at my limit and can’t do anything. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way , so it’s amazing. My heart pounds when I talk, and I get short of breath. I wonder if it’s still there? Um, but lately I’ve been feeling really happy every day, so I kind of think that my depression is over now. So, up until now, I’d had bipolar disorder without medication. I only started taking medication this year, last year. Maybe it’s just me, but there’s a difference , and it’s become apparent to me . Up until now , the difference between manic and depressive episodes was very clear. But this time , I ‘ve been taking the medication every day. Even when I’m depressed, there are times when I feel a little better . I’ll be depressed for a long time, and then I’ll have three days where I feel good . Based on my experience with bipolar disorder, if I feel good for three days , that’s when the depression is over . It’s not so much mania, but rather depression. But this time, it was like, oh, I thought I was doing well for three days , and then the depression started again. That ‘s when I started taking the medication, and that’s what happened. I had this vague idea that the medication would help me feel better, but it just didn’t work. Of course, I think it’s better to have three days of good energy during a depression than to have a constant depression , but this time, it was my first experience, so I was overjoyed. Up until now, I thought I was cured, so this is actually my third video, or rather, my third video announcing that my depression is over . About a month after I first got depressed, I felt fine for about three days, and then I thought, “Thanks to the medication, my depression is starting to ease a little,” so I made this video. Then, I thought, “Okay, I’ll start editing,” and then, just as I was about to start editing , the depression started to set in. That’s happened twice. This is the third time, honestly, and I’m filming this video now, but I really don’t want it to happen again . So, you take medicine to make your depression a little better. If I continued living my normal life without taking medicine, I would still be depressed, but because I’m taking it , I’m probably feeling a little better thanks to the medicine. But the medicine isn’t completely working, so it feels like my depression comes back soon after, but I don’t think the duration of my bipolar disorder has changed much. I don’t think the ratio of depressed to manic periods has changed much from before. But this time, it seems like there are some days when I feel a little more energetic mixed in with my depression. So I feel like the depression was a little milder than last time. I think there were fewer days when I couldn’t get out of bed or get up . This time, there were days when I could enjoy doing housework and things like that. I should have known that taking the medicine would make me feel that way, but this was my first time , so I didn’t know, and that disappointment, like, ” I guess my depression hasn’t gone away after all,” was a bit painful this time. But now that I know that, I’m taking the medicine, and even if I feel fine for about three days, there’s a chance that my depression will return, so as long as I’m still alive, I think I’ve made a big improvement by taking the medicine. Well, I’m not cured, though. It seems like the longer I keep taking it, the more it works. So, I don’t really understand my brain, but maybe it’s gradually improving with the medicine. This time my depression has continued for a few months, but I feel like the next one might be shorter , and I hope so. But this time, I ‘m kind of enjoying my depression … well, I can’t go outside. I can’t go outside, and I can’t reply to LINE messages, but hey, look at this when you feel like you can do a little bit of normal stuff, like doing housework . This is a picture I drew . I draw a lot, and I really love drawing. I’ve always loved drawing, but this time, drawing has become the number one thing I’ve ever done in my life . I don’t know if saying number one is an exaggeration, but I’ve found it to be pretty high up there as something fun to do. And, you know, YouTube and competitive eating , things like that, I like them because they make people happy . Of course, I like eating too, but if you ask me if I particularly like doing it in front of a camera , it’s like, um … I just liked it because everyone was happy. Thank you so much . It’s really because everyone was happy that I was able to do what I love. But drawing is different. Even if it doesn’t make anyone happy, it’s something I love , and I’ve loved drawing ever since I was little. I wrote in my elementary school anthology that I wanted to be an illustrator, but I wrote that it was just a dream , and that I wanted to be a pet shop owner, an illustrator, or a pet shop owner. When I’m drawing , I can lose myself in it. Because I don’t have to think about anything, I can escape for a bit from the pain of not being able to do anything during that painful period of depression . Well, just by drawing I feel a little better, but it allows me to escape even more. On the other hand, I somehow have the power to think about how no good I am. (When the symptoms are better) So I can avoid thinking about that by drawing at that time . So, this is the only thing I’ve put up here for a little while , but I’ve already written about this much, and I’ve put it all in a paper bag with about this many stacks , and drawing is really fun. I used to like self-help books and things like that when I was little. “Do what you’ve always wanted to do.” I read a book like that once, and at the time I wondered what it was that I’d always wanted to do (I was able to do it because it entertains people) , and I thought, “Hmm,” and finished the book thinking it was educational , but I realized that the things I unconsciously chose when I was little were really fun, things I really loved, and as I grew up, I started doing the things I love because I wanted to please people or get their reactions . Like, “I love it because I can enjoy it with other people. ” I don’t think I thought about that as a kid . I think I just did things because I loved them . And for me , that was painting. I’m so glad I found it this time . I said earlier that the things I use the most energy on are things related to people. I was jumping ahead, but I’m so careful not to offend people I don’t know about. I do that excessively, to the point where it’s really unnecessary and no one wants that . It’s not just about people I like, friends, or romantic relationships. I haven’t been in a relationship for ages. My friends and I feel like I can’t waste even a little bit of their time. I can’t let them get bored , so I’m always on edge. I think everyone feels that way. But maybe I’m just overdoing it. It’s not like I have any skills or ability to entertain people or anything like that. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in a mild state of panic , like, confused, like, what should I do? I know. I know there’s no point in thinking about it, and I know that no one wants me to be forcing myself like this, but somehow I just do it. It’s become a habit, like I can’t help it. I can’t stop it now. Even if I take medication, it ‘ll probably always be there. But maybe this medication will make it less of a strain, and it’ll go away… I want that to happen. So, I think that if I can find a good balance between wanting people, friends, to have a good time and not letting them get bored , I think I’m taking medicine to make that happen, but I guess it’s just me . I can’t change the things that are at the root of it, so I don’t want to feel weird . Well , that thing you say, ” Don’t do it , it’s going to happen .” Hey, Suumi-chan, Suumi-chan is so cute, Nesumi- chan is so cute. Thank you . That’s why when I’m depressed, I can’t think I’m worthless , I can’t meet people who shouldn’t exist (if people don’t recognize me, it’s the same as not existing) . Right? What are you talking about ? Um, so, you know, really, um, that’s why I can’t stand people . Um, I don’t hate them or anything. I love them. That’s why, like this , when people call me when I’m manic , I go all out, like I have to liven things up so I don’t bore them. But that’s because I hate people. You know, humans think, don’t they? They reason , do n’t they? After all, uh , I don’t know what they’re thinking, so I get so scared that I start panicking , but animals don’t lie, or anything. Well, humans don’t lie either , but , um, animals don’t calculate or anything. So it’s okay with animals. I really do n’t like people, or rather I ‘m scared of them, I have a bit of social phobia. But when I’m manic, I feel invincible, so even though I ‘m a bit anthropophobic to begin with, when I’m manic I feel invincible, but I’m not actually invincible , I’m just forcing it. And when I’m depressed, I can’t interact with people at all, and I get really scared of people, but when I’m manic I feel invincible. So I think this is different to depression. You don’t become invincible, do you? People who suffer from depression just sink and sink when they’re depressed . And I really love animals, and you don’t have to be suspicious . I really, really love them, they’re so precious to me, I have cute little ones like Ron, Mel, and Sumi , but cats are so precious to me, they’re really more precious to me than anything. They’re more precious to me than anything. Thank you. Thank you. As always, thank you. Let’s play later. Um , what were we talking about ? Anyway, was this video, er, something like that? Well, for now, I wanted to make a video to let you know that my depression is over , and share how I ‘ve been feeling since I started taking medication . I know there might be people out there who are suffering the same way I am, and they might think their depression has eased and it’s over , but it’s not . I know it’s disappointing, but if you’re taking medication, it might be that your symptoms have changed because of the medication (but there are also cases where they’ve gotten better). I wanted to say that. I made this video in the hope that it might help someone . Well, that’s all for today. I’d like to start working again, or rather, starting my activities again, so please support me. Everyone who’s been waiting for me, and my friends too, were really worried about me. When I was able to check LINE and things like that , I realized how lucky I am, and how blessed I am. I ‘m so blessed to be able to do YouTube right now . Seriously, I wonder why depression comes. It’s strange that I’m so happy , but bipolar disorder makes me think that the brain is a strange thing . So that’s all for today. Thank you for watching today, and if you enjoyed this video, please click the like button and subscribe to my channel. Bye-bye.
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Yuka Kinoshita – 木下ゆうか
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